The other day, I was looking through my Hotmail account and trying to clean some things up (It can get really full sometimes with junk mail). As I was looking through, I remembered I had created a folder named “Letters to Baby” and had placed e-mails I had sent myself of letters I had written to Callie when she was in my womb. Unfortunately, I only wrote three and didn’t continue throughout my pregnancy but either way, I’m glad I wrote these. I reread all of them and got teary eyed. I love her so much and hopefully when she is older she can read these too and know how much we’ve loved her from day 1.
Last night was though for me. After reading these letters and looking over my maternity pictures during the day, I kinda fell apart last night. It’s really hard to explain the feeling and I got upset with Joshio because (I thought) he was not understanding or being sympathetic with me but the truth is, a man will never understand a woman’s desire to be pregnant. Pregnancy is amazing and truly is a miracle, you’re on a roller coaster of emotions but it’s something so unique that every woman experiences differently.
The desire to be one with your baby , the desire to breastfeed and look down at that sweet face knowing they are completely dependent on you. God created us (women) as a source of life (Genesis 3:20 and 7:16), a vessel for our families to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28) and when you can’t fulfill those duties, the truth is it really hurts your ego. You feel like you’ve failed. The hard part is when you have no control over the situation. Those who know me, know I’m a bit of a control freak and I know God is using this time to mold me and do something in me that he wouldn’t be able to do if I were pregnant.
I always listen to christian radio (Victory 91.5) on my way to work. I’ve heard this bible verse so many times but this morning it really hit home and I felt God was speaking to me:
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
There.you.go! It’s funny, this is what Joshio was trying to get across to me. Sometimes you just need to hear things from somewhere or someone else for it to actually sink in. Even if he tried to read this exact verse to me, I probably wouldn’t have listened or accepted it given the circumstances and condition of my heart that night. I’m not perfect and have my struggles just like everyone else but the truth is that I can’t do it on my own, I need God and his strength (Zachariah 4:6).
On to the letters…
April 15th, 2013- About 6 weeks
Hello My Sweet Little Baby,
You don’t know how excited we are to meet you! You have been on our minds since the day you were conceived. We just finished telling the families about your arrival. Currently, you are only 7 weeks old in my womb but I already feel so connected to you. Everyone is super excited to meet you and happy that your daddy and I FINALLY decided to have a baby! I don’t feel you just yet but I do have some symptoms . I am always supper tired and lately I’ve been wanting to eat everything! I crave food but don’t know exactly what I’m craving…lol. The wonders of being pregnant and your hormones going crazy! I still haven’t heard your little heart beat and haven’t seen you yet but that will be happening soon (in 2 days). We are so excited to hear you heart and know that you are in there J Your daddy loves you very much and is going to be a great father. He is very happy that in 7 months you will be in our arms. We’ll get to love you, snuggle with you, sleep with you and so much more. I know at times it will be hard and I might get frustrated with your crying but please know that I will always love you no matter what. Whether you are out little princess or our handsome little boy, we will love you ALWAYS! Well, that’s it for now. Talk to you soon! Love you my sweet little baby 🙂
April 19th, 2013- 7w1d
Hello My Sweet little Baby,
The other day your daddy and I were able to hear and see you. Your heart was beating so fast! It is so hard to imagine that as little as you are (size of a blueberry) you have already formed enough to have your own heart beat. I put your ultrasound picture up in my office and every time I see it I can’t help but smile. As small as you are, you have already stolen my heart. Sometimes I think it’s unreal that I am carrying a baby. I ask myself, is it true? Am I really pregnant? Am I really going to be a mommy in a couple of months? Sometimes I get scared because I think things aren’t going to be the same, the life that I knew is going to completely change. In part, this is true but I know deep down in my heart that the love I have for you is going to be much greater than any fear of change I may have. Yes, things will be different, when you’re daddy and I snuggle we may have a little person right in the middle, going to the grocery store might not be such an easy task anymore, and date night might not be as easy to plan. However, feeling you’re skin on my chest, looking into your beautiful eyes, one day hearing you call me mommy will be worth all the sacrifice. I love you my sweet little baby, I can’t wait to see you again and eventually be with you forever!
Today hasn’t been as pleasant as others. I woke up in a grumpy mood due to feeling queasy. I usually don’t get nauseous but today my body has been acting up. My breasts are still sore and I still feel fat. Your aunt Nessa came over yesterday and wanted to see my belly since I was complaining so much. She told me I didn’t even look pregnant and that I was ridiculous. I’m telling you though, I feel 7 months out already. Mainly due to the bloating and water retention. My body is going through so many changes right now. I’m producing more blood, my heart rate is faster and I’m getting less oxygen to my brain-Oh I feel this one! The other night I completely forgot how to say 13 in Spanish, your nuny was asking me and I looked so dumbfounded because I had no idea. I had to start counting from 10 to finally remember. I know things can be much worse so I am very grateful that I’m not nauseous all the time, my skin has kept clear, and I haven’t thrown up.
Overall life is good, your daddy and I are super happy to have you in our lives already. We love you!
May 6th, 2013- 9w4d
Hello Little Paz,
It’s been awhile since I’ve written you mainly because I’ve been pretty lazy and tired lately. I’ve been pretty good emotionally, haven’t had crying outbursts or anything like that. I do get a little moody with your dad sometimes because he make me really frustrated. He’s done with school for the semester so he’ll be able to help me out a little more around the house. I’m really happy about that. I haven’t been doing too well physically. This past week I started getting nauseous and queasy more often. I’ve been doing some things to lessen the feeling and they’ve been working for the most part. It’s really hard to pin point exactly what bothers me but I just feel uncomfortable, I just don’t feel normal which I’ve been told “is normal”, given the circumstances. We’re really excited to find out what you are, boy or girl. We are hoping for a boy mainly because you have sooo many girl cousins. If you are a girl though we will still be happy, may take some getting used to the idea but we will be happy no matter what. In about 2 months we will know Jand then we can start making all the preparations. I want to get as much as possible done within the 2nd trimester because that’s when I’ve been told I’ll feel my best. Anyway, I am still bloated and now I have to use hair ties to close my pants and give me a little more wiggly room, the belly is growing so that’s a good sign. I’m eating as healthy as possible to make sure you grow and develop properly. I love you so much and I can’t wait to meet you.
Love always, your momma 🙂Share This: